I recently attended my first
dance--at the age of 42. Yes, you read that right. Trying something new isn't
easy and facing a fear from my teenage years is even harder, but I did it and
so can you. So how did this all happen? Back in the '80s when I was a teenager,
I attended an all-boys Catholic high school. I wasn't a jock or popular and fell
in with the geeky crowd. I liked Star Wars, Dungeons & Dragons and
astronomy. I did have friends, but none of us had girlfriends. Too afraid to
ever go to a dance, I imagined what it might be like and decided that it
wouldn't be right for me.
Define
Your Fear
I have always been an introvert and
on the Briggs Myers personality
test I am an INFJ. Back when I was a teenager, I lived mostly in my head and
without easy access to socialize with girls, going to a dance was the last
thing on my mind so I always opted out. We didn't have much money and I had no desire to go. I
believed that I was unlikeable and that girls would simply pass me by because I
was a geek. Instead of putting myself through humiliation, I avoided difficult
situations.
Yet if you asked me then, I would have told you that I chose not to go rather than
I was afraid to go. One night when I was about 14 years old, I pulled my tiny
telescope out and set it up across the street from the apartment we lived in.
We lived in Northeast Philadelphia and there were street lights all around. I
had begun experimenting with astrophotography, but I didn't have the right gear
or experience. I simply had a red telescope that looked dorky. On a Friday
night in the fall, I set it up and started looking at the stars. Instead of
going to the dance, I chose to watch the stars. I remember seeing Jupiter and
being impressed with what I could see with the telescope I had when I heard a
car stop at the closest stop sign. Across from our apartment was a busy street.
Inside the car were some guys and girls coming back from the dance. They had
stopped to look at me and laugh. I ignored them, but went in soon afterward
because I didn't want to be mocked by more kids coming back from the dance.
Believe
in Yourself
Years passed and I opted out
of every dance. When it came time for me to go to my proms, I chose not to go.
For my Junior prom, I wouldn't have had anyone to ask. Going to an all-boys school
really made things a challenge and the circles that I hung out in were all boys
(or girls who tagged along as girlfriends to the boys I knew). Yet between my
Junior and Senior year, things changed. I began to come out of my shell a bit
and it was writing that saved me. I developed a crush on one of my teachers.
And from that crush, I tapped into my imagination and, as part of a school
assignment, I wrote her a novel. Not something that a 16 year old does every
day, but it was right for me. I knew that I had this ability to dream up great
things, but I was so insecure and unsure of myself that I did not know how to
move forward or what steps to take.
I spent a lot of time writing,
walking and listening to depressing '80s songs. Yet I had discovered something
about myself: I realized that I had some talent and I just needed to develop
it. I also learned that I could talk and had great empathy which made me
interesting to girls. So after my heart was crushed over the summer of my
Junior into Senior year of high school, that's when I started dating. My best
friend in high school asked if I'd want to go out on a double date with him and
I agreed. We decided to go to the movies and saw The Witches of Eastwick.
My date and I could not have been more mismatched, but I believed in myself.
She was 4'11" and I was 6'2". She had just graduated high school and
I was going into my Senior year. I liked books and was intellectual and she was
going to study accounting and didn't read much. Still, you have to start somewhere.
I remember a pivotal moment during
the film: We shared the same armrest and I had let her rest her arm on it while
I kept my hands in my lap. During the last part of the movie, I glanced over
and took a risk. I gently rubbed my two fingers across her wrist--my not-so-subtle way to show her that I liked her. I risked it all. If I did that and she
jerked her arm away, I was done. But if she liked it, well, wouldn't that be
great? I faced my fear, touched her wrist ever-so-gently and she liked it.
After the movie, I learned from my friend that the girls wanted to go make out
in a parking lot behind the mall. I had scored. And for my first time at bat, I
didn't do too bad.
When my Senior prom rolled around, I
still didn't go because I didn't have the money and my girlfriend (same one
from the movie) had already graduated high school so she had been to her proms.
Time flew by, breakups took place, I dated other girls, more breakups and
before I knew it I had missed all the opportunities to go to a dance. I've been
to weddings, family parties and even danced at a Paris nightclub (getting the
nickname "hyper hips") but I never truly attended a dance until I was
42.
It's
Never Too Late
Last month my wife asked me if
I wanted to go to my daughter's Father & Daughter dance. I said yes. My
daughter, being only 5, was really excited about going. She picked her dress
(black & pink) with matching stockings and asked if she could wear
lipstick. I wore my suit and tie and we went in style. So much had changed from
when I was a teenager. My fears had vanished because I had faced them, but now
things were different. I walked into the gym and we saw all the dads and
daughters milling about and heard the music blaring. My daughter started acting shy. I
gave her time to warm up and we took pictures in the photo booth and then came
back to the dance floor. Most dads hung around the edges of the gym watching
their daughters dance like crazy. But a few dads were right up front, dancing
with their daughter. They weren't good dancers, but they were trying. My
daughter hung back and I asked her if she wanted to dance. In her little girl
voice, she pulled me down to her level and said, "Daddy, I'm afraid."
I smiled and grabbed her hand
and told her that we should try to dance. Yes, it would be scary in the
beginning but after a few minutes we would be fine. Plus, I would be with her.
And so we moved right up front and I danced, like a uncoordinated fool, with a
few other dads. At 42 I had finally arrived at my first dance, but more
importantly, my daughter went to hers. We danced the night away, participated
in learning how to swing dance (she loved me swinging her under me and up and
over) and we even did the Cha-Cha slide. All in all a great night. A great
night to face my own childhood fears and help my daughter with hers.
Ron Vitale is the author of Lost and Stolenfrom the Cinderella's Secret Diaries young adult fantasy series who hopes that his daughter will grow up to find her own voice and not allow others to dictate who and what she can be.
I read Why Jessica Lawlor
Gave Up Her Dream of Writing a Novel (For Now) and wanted to share a different perspective. I have reached the mid-career point and thought I would share my experiences as a counterpoint to Jessica's excellent article. When I finished school back in 1996, I had dreams of being a novelist and then the reality of my school loans hit home. I made a conscious choice, very much like Jessica's, to put my novel writing on hold. Many years passed until I decided to write and actually publish my books.
Define Your Goal and Work Hard
Early in my career, I realized that I needed to make a decision. The reality of life had set in. I wanted to write novels, but needed money to pay my bills. Choosing to put fiction writing on hold, I worked full-time and opted to write freelance articles on the side. In my best year, I brought home $1,900 in writing and then needed to reassess my goals. I still had not made time to write a book and I saw many of the markets that I sold my freelance articles to go out of business.
I again decided to focus on my full-time job and dropped writing. Yes, I wrote blogs and the occasional article, but my fiction writing languished. I had neglected to set a goal for myself and stick to it.
Be Honest with Yourself
When I look back at my early 20s, I now know how unprepared I was for the challenges in life. I skirted around the big question that I believe is essential for every writer to ask him/herself:
Why do I want to write a book?
If the answer is to be famous and make lots of money, I would advise you to give up now and save yourself the heartache. Yes, some writers make it big and find success, but for every Amanda Hocking there are thousands of people who are unknown.
We can all dream of making it big, but that could take years and there are hard decisions to make:
Do you wish to have a family?
What is your financial risk tolerance?
They are all difficult questions that only the individual writer can answer. I chose to have a family and opted for stable income. For me, that meant that my day job would be my main career and that writing would be secondary.
Never Give Up the Dream
Once I made the decision to work full-time and focus on my career, years passed and I came up against the big 40th birthday. I realized that my life could be more than half over and I had not seriously begun to write. I had taken the safe route and worked really hard on everything in my life except writing the books that were in me.
I realized that now had to be the time. The secret to writing a novel is that no matter if you're single or married with children there will never be enough time to write. It took me more than a decade to figure that out. And that's my cautionary tale: I wish I would have thrown caution to the wind and started working on my books when I was younger so that I could focus on my craft as a fiction writer. I found it extremely difficult to adjust from writing freelance articles to planning and writing an 85,000 plus manuscript. The skillset is different and the challenges and need for persevrance are worlds apart.
Change Starts Today
One day I woke up and made a promise to myself. I would write my next book. It didn't hurt that I had an idea that just wanted to burst out of me. Lost: Cinderella's Secet Diary took me 18 months to write and publish whereas the sequel took me 12 months. Practice, dedication and failure helped fuel me. Now when I ask myself: Why do I want to write a novel? I know the answer. I simply must because I have stories that I want to share with readers.
I regret that I didn't forcus more on novel writing during the lost years, but I'm making up for lost time. I have less free time now than I did then, but priorities have changed. And that's made all the difference to me. My advice to people who want to write a novel is to embrace it now. With the industry changing so dramatically, not only will you need to hone your writing skills, but you'll also need to learn the business of writing and that takes years.
I went to see Oz the Great and Powerful today and timing worked out well. I rushed in, grabbed a seat right during the Iron Man 3 trailer was finishing and the movie just started. Perfect timing. However, I did have a bit of sticker shock: I paid $14 for a ticket to see the film in 3D. I could write a whole post on why the price of the movie ticket wanted me to stop going to the movies. I thought $10 would be expensive enough and I misread the listing online, thinking I was attending a non-3D screening. No such luck.
Was the 3D experience worth the price of the ticket? No. I keep saying this time and time again. When will 3D go away? I think after today's experience I will make certain that I do not attend another 3D screening. Hopefully, soon 3D will die out. What about the movie? Was it great and powerful?
I enjoyed the movie, but I wouldn't call it great. I thought the movie more solid than Alice in Wonderland but I'm finding a recurring theme in these big budget movies. There is more eye candy on the screen than character development. Don't get me wrong: I didn't hate this film, I really didn't, but I found it merely good. I have no desire to see it again. Yes, it brought in more than $80 million on its opening weekend, but it cost reportedly $325 to make. Let me say that again: $325 million. That's a lot of money for one film.
I can sum this film up in a few sentences: The plot is see-through and if you pay attention during the opening credits you'll basically catch the "big reveal" that negates any mystery about the plot. The effects are pretty, but nothing caught me as being spell-binding and mind-blowing. It simply was a good film that had weak characters. By watching the trailer, you pretty much know all that you need to know about this film. My favorite character was the little china girl. I thought her storyline somewhat interesting, but she was simply a minor character with not much to do.
I've seen a lot worse big budget films so I would say go ahead and see this one. It's entertaining. But I would rather ask this: Have we reached a point in which the big budget films are so bloated that gone is much of the human emotion in the story? What about the acting and character interactions that make us feel something for them? This is why I really enjoyed The Fellowship of the Ring. I cared about those characters and enjoyed seeing them grow over the three films.
James Franco is okay, but there isn't much to this story. For $325 million, you think that maybe someone could write a script that is engaging and really moving. But maybe that's just me: I think I'm asking too much for a blockbuster film. They are simply meant to entertain us and make a lot of money. One of the reasons that I enjoyed Inception is that there's an interesting story at its center. But maybe it's time that we start to challenge ourselves and take a step back and use our imagination. Movies like Moon, Another Earth and Sound of My Voice have captured my attention because they're more character driven. I'm asked to use my imagination without witches flying through the air and balls of fire incinerating things.
I like movies about people and fantastical places and emotional pull that teaches me something about the human condition. Oz the Great and Powerful simply is a pretty plain story: Can a man overcome his greed and ego to become a truly great man by helping others? Yeah, it's that simple. I know that the purpose of the movie isn't supposed to be about the characters, but I wouldn't mind seeing more films that challenge me to think. Oz the Great and Powerful serves everything up on a plate for me and I simply needed to sit back and take it all in. It's a sub-par roller coaster ride that did not want me to go back for more.
And for $325 million, you would think that Disney would want me to come back again and again. See it on the big screen, but I wouldn't waste my money on the 3D. You'll be out a few more bucks and really won't gain anything. Disney pulls off a mediocre film, but I wonder when they'll be coming up with a movie to inspire and wow us. Great and powerful this movie isn't. Hopefully, that might come in the future. We shall see.
There's a lot of talk about branding being important for writers. But what does this exactly mean? With the publishing world all in a tizzy these days, indie authors struggling to be noticed, and free books flooding the market, what's a new author to do? The answer is easier than you think: Write well. But the execution around that and promotion of your writing is extremely difficult.
Brand = Who Are You?
I've been struggling with this question for many years now. If you were to look me up online, you would see that I'm not only a young adult novelist who also likes Magic: The Gathering and ran a podcast for more than five years, but I'm also the father of two who is a long distance runner and works at a major east coast University as their Director of Electronic Communications. That's a mouthful. Over the years, I've struggled along the way, trying to learn how much to share of my private life and how much to share with the public.
When I look at my life, I think back to what my counselor told me when I was in my early 20s:
"What you do will change over time, but who you are will remain constant."
And, for me, branding is simply that: Who I am. For a long time, I've been hiding behind a virtual shell of myself, hoping that my books would simply speak for me and that their themes would find an audience, but I now know that in order to find more readers there is more to it than that.
The struggle is that it's hard enough to make time to write well when you work full time and are raising a family, but then there's my fear of reaching out and connecting with people online. If I could boil down to a succinct paragraph who I am, I would say:
I fight for the underdog and believe in working hard for what's good in the world. I advocate for women, being forever blessed that women (my mother and grandmother) taught me to be the man I am. I listen and want to connect with people on an intimate level about what it means to be alive and to find one's true self. I allowed my father's abandoning me when I was young to hold me back for a long, long time from being someone who is not afraid to shine. I write about the struggles of young women, learning to find their way (yet make mistakes), but pick themselves up and find that being complete is not in someone else, but in loving themselves. I am true, passionate, honest and forthright--sometimes to a fault. I am me.
My one line summation is:
I write for those who have felt lost, abandoned and unloved to share with my readers that there is always hope.
That is my brand.
I believe it's essential to find out who we are and to be true to that online and off. I'm not playing a part. I'm living and sharing that with the world and my readers. This balance is not easy, but I believe in my art. I do not get up so early in the morning to write so that my books can live in obscurity, or worse, in a drawer where no one would ever see. I have chosen to break out of my cocoon and fly. Yes, that will mean that I will fail sometimes and my work will be called horrible names by some, but that's okay.
Finding Your Niche
Once you find your brand, you need to interact with people--everywhere. In all the circles I travel, I have a chance to meet new people and to help them, listen and make new connections. In my recent past, I often hid and was more of an introvert, but slowly (very, very slowly) I have come out of my shell. What I've learned is that, I have the ability to talk and connect with an audience. The challenge is finding the right group to connect with and share with them.
I've stumbled across a small readership for my books, but I need to keep working on finding more people to talk with and connect. Social media is the key. Twitter is simply one of the most amazing tools I have stumbled across. If you're not on Twitter and really using it, then why not?
To find that niche, simply search for hashtags that similarly minded people are using and join the conversation. Again, it's that easy, but hard to execute because of the time commitment. Some writers believe that you can just write books and they'll magically be found by the all-mighty mystical algorithm oiling Amazon's engine and you'll hit the jackpot. I've heard from enough writers like me who aren't having that success. Other writers believe that there needs to be a balance between writing and engaging people on social media. I fall into that camp. Without engaging people online, I would not have met some of my biggest fans or learned how to successfully convert my novels into eBook formats (thank you Guido Henkel).
Coming out of my shell and meeting people and really being me has not been easy, but it's opened many doors for me.
Learn How to Ask
I listen to podcasts, read blogs, books and anything I can get my hand on, but it's the magical serendipity of discovery that I stumble upon on social media that I love so much. Recently, I saw a post by Ksenia Anske on Facebook that moved me: She had posted a TED talk link to Amanda Palmer talking about "The Art of Asking."
I watched the short talk and could really identify with it. I'm a writer and cringe each time I have to sell myself to the world. I always thought that I would write a book and it would just sell. But that doesn't happen. It's a lot of hard work to get your name out there and be discovered. And how do you ask for people to support you?
Tweet: "Looking for a good book? Try my latest release 'a, b, c'."
Does that work? No, it doesn't.
Palmer's TED talk gets to the heart of my problem: I'm ashamed to ask for money for my book. I'm afraid that if you read my Cinderella's Secret Diaries series that you might not like it and want your money back. I've been afraid to stand out and say: "I am a writer." Instead I've been hiding behind my day job and I "write on the side."
I think that many of us feel this shame about asking for money for our works and that it's related to our fears that people just won't like our books. We send ineffective tweets, press releases and blog posts out into the ether and then wash our hands and say: "Phew, I did the marketing thing and now I'm done." But we're not really selling ourselves the way we should. The connection part is missing. And that's what Palmer hits a homerun on. It's about making a connection with our audience (no matter how small) and being true to who we are. That will not sell books because we're begging, but we're finding people who truly like our work.
Finding Success
Writing + Being Ourselves + Connecting with Like-Minded People = Success.
Amanda Palmer's TED talk might be an extreme example of opening up and putting ourselves out there, but it's a symbol of sorts: Granted, I doubt any of us would have the courage to strip down and be naked in front of our fans and ask them to graffiti on us, but isn't that what we're doing when we write? I know that's what I do. I bare the darkest and innermost parts of my soul to the reader and they get to see how screwed up and scary I sometimes see the world, but then rise up and struggle to be better.
As a writer, I would ask you:
Why do you write?
What are the themes that you write about?
Who are the people like you?
If you can answer these three questions truthfully, write and then work your ass off, then you'll find success. Will that be enough to pay the bills? It all depends. Making lots of money writing fiction isn't so easy. If you expect to get rich, maybe writing isn't for you, but some will make enough money to pay a mortgage. Your mileage will vary, but one thing is true: You'll know your brand and will have done your best to create amazing works of art. You'll never know until you try.
Facing Your Fear to Try Something New
I recently attended my first dance--at the age of 42. Yes, you read that right. Trying something new isn't easy and facing a fear from my teenage years is even harder, but I did it and so can you. So how did this all happen? Back in the '80s when I was a teenager, I attended an all-boys Catholic high school. I wasn't a jock or popular and fell in with the geeky crowd. I liked Star Wars, Dungeons & Dragons and astronomy. I did have friends, but none of us had girlfriends. Too afraid to ever go to a dance, I imagined what it might be like and decided that it wouldn't be right for me.
Define Your Fear
I have always been an introvert and on the Briggs Myers personality test I am an INFJ. Back when I was a teenager, I lived mostly in my head and without easy access to socialize with girls, going to a dance was the last thing on my mind so I always opted out. We didn't have much money and I had no desire to go. I believed that I was unlikeable and that girls would simply pass me by because I was a geek. Instead of putting myself through humiliation, I avoided difficult situations.
Yet if you asked me then, I would have told you that I chose not to go rather than I was afraid to go. One night when I was about 14 years old, I pulled my tiny telescope out and set it up across the street from the apartment we lived in. We lived in Northeast Philadelphia and there were street lights all around. I had begun experimenting with astrophotography, but I didn't have the right gear or experience. I simply had a red telescope that looked dorky. On a Friday night in the fall, I set it up and started looking at the stars. Instead of going to the dance, I chose to watch the stars. I remember seeing Jupiter and being impressed with what I could see with the telescope I had when I heard a car stop at the closest stop sign. Across from our apartment was a busy street. Inside the car were some guys and girls coming back from the dance. They had stopped to look at me and laugh. I ignored them, but went in soon afterward because I didn't want to be mocked by more kids coming back from the dance.
Believe in Yourself
Years passed and I opted out of every dance. When it came time for me to go to my proms, I chose not to go. For my Junior prom, I wouldn't have had anyone to ask. Going to an all-boys school really made things a challenge and the circles that I hung out in were all boys (or girls who tagged along as girlfriends to the boys I knew). Yet between my Junior and Senior year, things changed. I began to come out of my shell a bit and it was writing that saved me. I developed a crush on one of my teachers. And from that crush, I tapped into my imagination and, as part of a school assignment, I wrote her a novel. Not something that a 16 year old does every day, but it was right for me. I knew that I had this ability to dream up great things, but I was so insecure and unsure of myself that I did not know how to move forward or what steps to take.
I spent a lot of time writing, walking and listening to depressing '80s songs. Yet I had discovered something about myself: I realized that I had some talent and I just needed to develop it. I also learned that I could talk and had great empathy which made me interesting to girls. So after my heart was crushed over the summer of my Junior into Senior year of high school, that's when I started dating. My best friend in high school asked if I'd want to go out on a double date with him and I agreed. We decided to go to the movies and saw The Witches of Eastwick. My date and I could not have been more mismatched, but I believed in myself. She was 4'11" and I was 6'2". She had just graduated high school and I was going into my Senior year. I liked books and was intellectual and she was going to study accounting and didn't read much. Still, you have to start somewhere.
I remember a pivotal moment during the film: We shared the same armrest and I had let her rest her arm on it while I kept my hands in my lap. During the last part of the movie, I glanced over and took a risk. I gently rubbed my two fingers across her wrist--my not-so-subtle way to show her that I liked her. I risked it all. If I did that and she jerked her arm away, I was done. But if she liked it, well, wouldn't that be great? I faced my fear, touched her wrist ever-so-gently and she liked it. After the movie, I learned from my friend that the girls wanted to go make out in a parking lot behind the mall. I had scored. And for my first time at bat, I didn't do too bad.
When my Senior prom rolled around, I still didn't go because I didn't have the money and my girlfriend (same one from the movie) had already graduated high school so she had been to her proms. Time flew by, breakups took place, I dated other girls, more breakups and before I knew it I had missed all the opportunities to go to a dance. I've been to weddings, family parties and even danced at a Paris nightclub (getting the nickname "hyper hips") but I never truly attended a dance until I was 42.
It's Never Too Late
Last month my wife asked me if I wanted to go to my daughter's Father & Daughter dance. I said yes. My daughter, being only 5, was really excited about going. She picked her dress (black & pink) with matching stockings and asked if she could wear lipstick. I wore my suit and tie and we went in style. So much had changed from when I was a teenager. My fears had vanished because I had faced them, but now things were different. I walked into the gym and we saw all the dads and daughters milling about and heard the music blaring. My daughter started acting shy. I gave her time to warm up and we took pictures in the photo booth and then came back to the dance floor. Most dads hung around the edges of the gym watching their daughters dance like crazy. But a few dads were right up front, dancing with their daughter. They weren't good dancers, but they were trying. My daughter hung back and I asked her if she wanted to dance. In her little girl voice, she pulled me down to her level and said, "Daddy, I'm afraid."
I smiled and grabbed her hand and told her that we should try to dance. Yes, it would be scary in the beginning but after a few minutes we would be fine. Plus, I would be with her. And so we moved right up front and I danced, like a uncoordinated fool, with a few other dads. At 42 I had finally arrived at my first dance, but more importantly, my daughter went to hers. We danced the night away, participated in learning how to swing dance (she loved me swinging her under me and up and over) and we even did the Cha-Cha slide. All in all a great night. A great night to face my own childhood fears and help my daughter with hers.
Ron Vitale is the author of Lost and Stolen from the Cinderella's Secret Diaries young adult fantasy series who hopes that his daughter will grow up to find her own voice and not allow others to dictate who and what she can be.