RonVitale

Finding True Love

This week marks the 18th year that I met my wife and in honor of that I wanted to reflect back and set the record straight answering the question: Does true love exist? But before I can do that, I think it's more important to define: What is love?

Love Is a Many Splendid Thing

The definition of love that I like the best is one I was taught back in my senior year of high school from a priest at my Catholic school. Father Hanley taught us that "love is seeing good in someone and wanting to see that good grow." I've always liked that definition because love is active and other centered. It's not about swooning, smothering or possessiveness, but about growth and giving of yourself to another to support them in achieving their potential.

True love, for me, is simply that: Supporting the person you love and being there for them on their journey through life as they continue to grow and become a better person. Love is not simply about sex and gifts (I think we all know that), but it's a balance of discovery, support and learning to grow with another over time. There are ups and downs and downs and ups, but there are also times of great intensity that flare up like the sun. Yet if I look at the 18 years that I've been with my wife, I would say that we have worked hard to find a path of calm (though she would probably disagree with me on this) in which we have strived to build a solid foundation for our lives and for our kids.

The "C" Word

We opted for a life that hit the Golden Mean. We didn't want to be manic depressive with great highs and lows all the time in our relationship, but find stability and calm. What exactly do I mean by that? Coming together as a couple means that it's necessary to compromise and make sacrifices. If you're not willing to compromise and sometimes put your kids and your partner in front of your own needs, then I'd advise you not to be in a relationship. We can't always get what we want. And that's a good thing because having a push and pull in a relationship in which there are boundaries creates tension and friction. This is where the true magic of a relationship lives.

What if you don't wish to go to your in-laws this Christmas? What if your spouse doesn't like to clean, but you do and you need help around the house? What happens when you both are tired and the baby wakes up for the fifth time at 4:00 a.m.? What happens? I always find romantic movies so funny. The same is true with many TV shows. My wife and I will watch the serious event lay out and within a few minutes all conflict is resolved (along with, on cue, some really great music playing in the background as the couple reaffirms their love for each other).

Life isn't like that. Well, at least my life isn't like that. When I write my books, I have been criticized because I have made some of my characters be unlikeable at times or I've had them make bad choices. Just like in life. Have I not done some stupid things in my life that caused harm to my relationships? Yes, I have. Has my wife? Yes, she has. So what happens when conflict arises and needs to be resolved? Does the cool music start playing in the background and we're suddenly running toward each other and all is okay? No, that's fantasy land. That doesn't even happen in my books (thankfully).

Learn to Forgive

I have made choices that have rocked my marriage and caused great angst to the relationship as has my wife. These are personal moments that are between her and me. She knows what I mean. And I know as well. It's the secret language of a couple who have been together for a long time. What has helped us get through those rough times? Forgiveness. And forgiveness doesn't come easy. You can't just wake up and say, "Well, looks like today I will simply wash away all the hurt and pain and just decide to forgive my loved one. That was easy! Let's go play tennis now."

Life isn't like that. And neither are the characters in my books. I've had Cinderella do some really bone headed things that the reader scratches her head wondering why she would do that. My answer: Because she's human. She screws up just like the rest of us. When I have needed to forgive, I will be the first to admit that it is not easy for me to do. Sometimes the hurt is too deep and it takes time to work through the feelings and come to a quiet moment to forgive. I've found that quiet reflection and some time helps to put the situation in perspective.

Yet having grown up in a family that went through two divorces, I can attest that I never saw a true and loving marriage. I did not have good role models to learn from and felt socially inept for much of my early dating years.

I look back and cringe at what a mess I was and how I looked for love for all the wrong reasons (to complete me and "fix" me). Those relationships didn't last and I hope and pray that the damage I did in those relationships has been forgiven by the women I dated back then. But there is one thing that I learned that's essential to all of this and might just be the secret to true love. It's a theme in my Cinderella's Secret Diaries series and one that I believe is just about the most important thing anyone can learn about relationships.

Love Yourself

In order to be in a relationship that will work, I learned that I needed to be able to forgive myself and also needed to love myself. This might be one of the most simple and yet most complicated skills to learn and be ready for in a relationship. If I wasn't able to forgive myself and pick myself up and try again, how would I be able to forgive another? If I couldn't look at myself in the mirror and love the person I see there, how could I love another? It's almost too simple, but it's been a key to helping me on my life journey.

When I look at the road that my wife and I have journeyed on, I see some amazing times and some purely magical ones. The birth of our children, seeing a total solar eclipse on the day I proposed to her in France, watching a meteor shower with our children and friends, holding each other in the dark of night after a rough time when our dearest family members had died--these and more than 18 years of memories are all entwined in our collective memory. The road has been impossible to predict but not prepare for.

Be in the Present

Each day could be my last. I have no way of knowing when I will be no more on this Earth and I don't know how long my relationship with my wife will last. But I don't dwell on that. Instead I focus on living the best life I can and being true to myself. Will I screw up and make mistakes? Yes, I will. Will my wife make mistakes? Yes, she will.

In amazement, I look back to a conversation I had on the phone with my friend who I've known the longest and remember telling her after I met my wife: "I don't know if she likes me romantically, but if she doesn't, I'd be happy to get to know her as a friend." It's been 18 years later and who would have known that we would be together all this time. The place we met, Borders, no longer exists. With all the change and challenges in life, I try my best to remember the present and focus on the here and now. Will we be together tomorrow and next year and so on? It's not worth me worrying about. Instead, it's best that I focus on today.

So do I believe in "true love"? I've fallen in love with many women in my life and I wouldn't say that there is just one person out there for me. I know that's not true. I often say to my wife that if I pass on I hope she finds another person to be happy with. God know that she wouldn't miss the grief I sometimes give her! I believe there's no special or secret recipe to making this all work out. Making a relationship last can be hard work. It's also taking time to look your wife in the eye and listening to her and being present and holding her or asking to be held. It's a myriad mix of complex human emotions that spans decades. That's probably not the answer that people want to hear. It's a lot easier to say that boy meets girl and they lived happily ever after.

But for me, boy meets girl and that's when the story just begins. It's not all happily ever after. Life is too complex for that and, for me, that's the beauty of it all.

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I dedicate this post to my beautiful wife who has patience with me during all the times when I deserve none. Je t'aime.

The Secret to Writing a Novel Is . . .

My wife and I like to agree to disagree on this topic. The secret to writing a novel is fairly straightforward, but many don't like the answer. In order to write and complete a novel, it's necessary to sit one's butt in a chair (or stand if that's a position you prefer) and write. It's that simple. Say you're going to write a book and then do it. This is where my wife and I get into hot water. Obviously, there are a lot of other steps to get from "Hey, I'd like to write a book" to "Would you like to buy the book I wrote?"

I would like to share my writing process with you and define simple and easy steps to help you get from concept to completion. Will it be easy? No. Is it possible? Yes, yes, yes! Okay, let's get started.

Define Your Goal

After reading some bedtime stories to my daughter a few years ago, an idea for my first book in the Cinderella's Secret Diaries series popped into my head. I made a commitment to myself and then told my close friends and family that I was going to write a novel. Coming clean with one's goal and sharing it with trusted friends is the first critical step. There's a reason why this step is so essential. We can all have a safe little magical world in our heads in which we write a book and never do. It's a lot easier to think of the goal in that abstract way. One day we'll have more time and write a book. One day we'll get back into writing and we're going to be great. But right now, there's the kids, the full-time job, bills and so much to do. We all know the story, but it's the lie that we tell ourselves.

How we break out of the lie is all that matters. I wrote my first novel at 16, rewrote it several times and then nearly gave up on writing in my 30s. I had written one book that I had tried to get published any way I could, a bunch of short stories and then nothing. I wasted a lot of time putting all my eggs in one basket, hoping that a super magical publishing deal would descend upon me from on high and that my muse would rise up and inspire me to write more books.

I didn't write my next novel until I was 34 and that was only a first draft (a sequel to my first book) and it's still sitting on my hard drive waiting to see the light of day. Why do I share all of this with you? Because the whole story is important and not just what people want to see. Since then I have written two more books and had them published, released a collection of sci-fi short stories and am currently working on book 3 of the Cinderella's Secret Diaries series. It took me 17 years to write two books and then within the last three years I have written two books and am working on a third. So, what changed?

I defined my goal. I believed that I had an amazing idea for a book, I made a commitment to myself to write it and I told my friends and family about what I wanted to do. By telling people my dream and goal, I made it become real. I realized that in order to make my goal that I had to commit to it and put in the hard work. Was it easy? No, sometimes it sucked (I'm not going to lie to you).

A Schedule Is Your Friend

Here is the nitty-gritty of writing a book. Again, there is no magic here. It's all straightforward and something we all know: In order to complete a book, we need to write it and that takes time. The first book in the Cinderella's Secret Diaries series, Lost, is 71,000 words and the sequel, Stolen, is 86,000 words. Lost took me 18 months to write, edit, rewrite and then have published. Stolen took me 13 months. How did I cut down the time of writing books from 17 years for two, to 18 months, then to 13 months? I created a schedule and followed it.

Now before you hit the back button and say that this is too hard and you're not up for all this crazy insanity, hear me out. Please. Your creative future relies on it. Here is my schedule:

Sunday: Long run (more on exercise in a bit).
Monday: Write before work, work all day and come home to spend time with family.
Tuesday: Short run before work, work all day and come home and spend time with family.
Wednesday: Write before work, work all day and come home to spend time with family.
Thursday: Short run before work, work all day and come home and spend time with family.
Friday: Write before work, work all day and come home to spend time with family.
Saturday: Write early in the morning, chores, spend time with family.

Did I follow that schedule every day? No, but I stick to it pretty religiously now. I have trained myself to get into a pattern that works for my busy life. I have also left room in the schedule for flexibility. If I had to work late or the kids were sick or my wife was away, I could run at night on the treadmill or write after I put the kids to bed. I could skip a day of running or writing if I felt sick. I could do all sorts of things because I had a general plan, but it wasn't so restrictive that I felt trapped by trying to do so many jobs at once.

And I think that's the key: Being tenacious but also admitting that you're human and need breaks and time off. Sometimes my scheduled morning of writing wasn't for my book but a blog post and sometimes I went longer than I expected to write. I allow myself the freedom to adjust to how I feel each day. One day this past week I only wrote 453 words for my book and yesterday I wrote 1,857 words. Each day of writing adds to my total and, over time, I have a novel.

Exercise Is the Key

I started running about 4 years ago and I can say that there is a correlation between my creative output and writing. I choose to run without music and just let my thoughts fly free. By running this way, I'm able to let my imagination run wild, I get into my groove, think of my problems, life, story ideas, solving plot problems that's how I start plotting my books. I like the organic feel of how I can be free to just be and let my mind wander. Getting more oxygen in my lungs and through my body helps me feel more connected to the world and sometimes I don't even know that there is a thread in the back of my mind on how to get past a difficult part in the book.

Exercising helps with motivating me. Four years ago I did not go to a gym or have any regular exercise routine. Now I've a full marathon in the books (pun intended) along with several half marathons. Does this make me special or better? No, it doesn't. I simply wish to share that a few years ago I was struck in a loop and couldn't find out how to break out of my shell to actually do the work to make my books come to be. Start small. Walk around the block a couple of times during the week, try jogging or take a yoga class. Add regular exercises to your weekly schedule and not only will you be more creative, but it'll be healthy for you.

You Can Do It

My story is not unique. If you dream that you can write a book, then you can. By following these tips, you can achieve your goal. But beware of the traps:

• Television (cut a few shows out and there's your extra time!)
• Dreaded alarm clock (find what works for you: Getting up early or staying up late).
• It's too hard and you give up (give yourself three weeks to stick at your schedule. Habits take 3-4 weeks to form.)
• "I'm a nobody. Who will want to hear what I have to say?" (Get up, right now! Look at yourself in the mirror and say outloud: "I know I can write this book. I believe in myself. I love myself." Sound dumb? You'll be surprised with how this mantra works. Don't give up.)

There will be all sorts of reasons why you will want to give up. I took a month off while writing Lost but I got back to it. What I realized in writing Stolen is that I simply needed to push through and stick to my writing goals. The work is hard, sacrifices will need to be made, but, in the end, you will have achieved your goal. If you truly want to be a novelist, I believe my suggestions will help you make it to the finish line. Remember, there is no secret formula because it's a lot of hard work. When you start the book you're one way, but when you've finished, well, you will have blossomed into someone new and different. Don't believe me? Then why don't you try? Come on, if I can do it, so can you!

 

Swimming with the Sharks (or Writing a Book)

Back in January I decided to start writing the next book in the Cinderella's Secret Diaries series. I promised myself that I would work full-time, keep up with my running, be a good dad and husband and somehow squeeze in my next book. Today I wanted to reflect and share a day (and a half) in the life of a writer.

Yesterday I woke up at 5:20 a.m. and went downstairs to start writing. When I began typing away on the laptop yesterday, I had recaptured a spark of some interest in my book. Remaining consistent with being creative and carrying threads of the story along can be challenging and, on some days, not what I feel like doing at 6:00 a.m. But yesterday was different. I had somehow come up with a January goal of writing 20,000 words of my next book (a little under a quarter of the way through for your average young adult book) and I realized that I would have 1,400 words to go. I had to stop, get ready for work and then head out on my whirlwind day. I had meetings that brought me through a light snow squall on campus and then rushed back to my boss' car with my colleagues in the freezing cold. The wind whipped at us and I stood there loving the cold, but exhausted.

The meeting we had come from had filled my mind with a lot of information as I continue to learn the inner workings of higher education. I love my job. It's creative, busy and allows me to use my skills in an organic way. But at that moment in the cold, my stomach grumbled and I needed food and some warmth. I also realized that my deadline for reaching 20,000 words by February 2 would be hard to make. At that point, mid-day on Friday, February 1st, I still had a conference call yet to attend, discussions with my team and a late in the day meeting that ran up until the end of the work day.

I had no time to focus on jotting down some ideas for my book or zeroing in on the dialogue threads that I would need to write. And when I did get home, I had the night fully planned. My son and I were headed with the Boy Scouts to the Camden Acquarium for a sleepover. I rushed home from work, not in a great mood because tiredness had begun to creep up into my bones, and tried to pull it together. I quickly ate a piece of pizza and some chicken, grumbled a goodbye to my wife and daughter and headed out with my son. We arrived a little before 7:00 p.m. and went through the night up until after 11:00 p.m.

Tired and exhausted, we rolled out our sleeping bags and I told my son that we would be okay. Sleeping in the same room with sharks behind thick glass didn't appeal to him at all. We relaxed, went to bed and then the horror began. To anyone who hasn't been on a Scouts sleepover, there are special events to take note. You will not sleep much. And there will be one, at least one, special and extremely enthusiastic person who will snore louder than you could ever imagine. Last night the snorer who we had in our group caused a father near me to grumble in exasperation sometime past midnight, "That guy is killing me." The snores reminded me between a mix of a horror flick in which the creature made insane slurping, gargling sounds right before it reached out and grabbed the heroine's leg and someone dying. I can't quite pick which is the more realistic description. You might think that I exaggerate, but ask my son or the kids who were at the sleepover last night. Each time the man took a breath, he'd hold it and gurgle a bit and then exhale with great force rattling the night air with a sound that reverberated off the walls. A few kids closer to wherever he slept would giggle at the height of his harmonious solo.

I woke up several times throughout the night, rolling over to see my son fast asleep in his sleeping bag and the blurry blue wall of water across the room. The blurred blobs that I knew to be sharks swam in a huge circle. Without my glasses, the scene appeared surreal and yet majestic. At 5:30 a.m. (my normal waking time), I got up and walked to the bathroom. Alone, going through the shark tunnel (amazing without the main lights on), I stumbled to the bathroom and found two long hallways in near total darkness. Only the red "Exit" sign at the end of the hall gave any light. A little while later my son woke up and needed to go to the bathroom and together we traversed the long journey together. When we reached the darkest parts, he reached for my hand and I took it firmly in mine.

There are not many father and son moments that I remember from my childhood. My father abandoned us and from around the time I was 8 or so I lost track of him until my 20s. There are moments along the road of fatherhood that are blessed and pure. There are also times when you wonder why you decided to have kids. But last night and this morning, I had a great time with my son. Yet there was still 1,400 words left to write. Would it really have mattered if I didn't make my goal? No, it wouldn't. But I did have some time to write late this morning. Once we came home from the sleepover, my son jumped into the shower and I sat down at my laptop groggy and pretty smelly, but I knocked out 1,610 words and saved my file.

The road to a completed novel is a long and arduous one. Once I finish the first draft, I'll need beta readers to rip it apart. Then I will rewrite and have more people read it and I'll rewrite again and again--until I believe it's complete. The work continues and will always continue until I stop. I never knew how hard it would be to write a book with a full-time job and family. There are considerations of time (spend time with your kids at night or write? I choose to spend time with my family and just get up early to wordsmith), energy and there is always constant juggling. Work doesn't simply end by punching a clock. Sometimes work goes on until I cannot stay awake any longer if there's a big deadline. Sometimes I choose to rest, spend time with my wife and kids. There is always a juggling act taking place. I don't mean that in a bad way that I put my family in the same category as work or writing. When there are only 24 hours in a day, decisions need to be made on how to make time to write. Some days I fail at this. Some days I fail at being a good parent or husband.

I wish a long time ago an author would have shared with me the challenges she has in being a writer. I wish my father would not have left us and would have sorted his problems out and taken time to get to know my brother and I. I wish . . . I wish . . . They are all fairytales just as I write about the hopes and dreams of my characters. They strive to fight and live for what they believe is right and good. But it's all a fantasy. Life is a complicated and hard jumble of people and places and choices. I chose to spend time last night with my son instead of getting the sleep I needed. But tonight, I will not work anymore. I will spend time with my wife and offer her support for the challenges she is struggling through.

Often my life as a writer isn't easy, but I made a decision a few years ago to work hard because it's what I believe in. When I'm gone from this Earth, what I did in the lives of those who knew me will remain and then there will be my words. My books. Those tiny, imperfect gems that contain such hope and joy and creativity for me.

I often say that the life of a writer is not glamorous. It's simply filled with determination, a dash of creativity and a lot of hard work. And for me, that's the perfect recipe. It is what it is and I hope to look back and smile, knowing that I wasn't a prefect writer. I was simply me. And that's perfectly fine.

You Can't Do It All

There are times when I doubt myself and become frustrated, tired or a combination of all of these things. I am human after all and the life of a writer, especially in today's age, is not glamorious or forgiving. I look back when I was young and miss the time I had on my hands. I went to school, worked part-time and did whatever else I wanted. I spent a lot of that time doing fun things and yet I did not do a lot of writing. I squandered much of that time, waiting for my muse to come and speak to me. I was a romantic ater all, loving Wordsworth and the rest of the poets.

Flashforward two decades and now between work, raising a family, trying to make time to exercise and a whole list of other responsibilities,  I miss my free time. Time when I could read whatever I wanted and time to listen to music or go see a movie. What I miss the most is the time I had to read and think to just think. Writers need to read and to just be. But what I liked so much about reading was my ability to escape reality and travel to far off places or get into the minds of characters that would be impossible for me to experience in life.

When I think of all the things I "should" do, I know that I cannot do it all. Sometimes it is important to pull back, relax and enjoy life for a bit. Sometimes I need to rest and take care of myself--sleep and rest. The challenge is to admit all of this and then to act.

I share this as a reminder to myself that writing is like life and is filled with both up and down times. I'm going to go now and listen to what my body needs. Rest. For those of you who are writers, be easy on yourself.