I have been unsettled in my personal life. Unsettled on many fronts, but as I look back over the years that's not unusual for me for this time of year. I've gone through some very difficult times through the month of May. When I was young, there were two big relationship breakups that left me reeling. And seven years ago my wife lost her father. That same May back in 2003 was several months before the birth of my son.
When I reflect and look back, I now realize why I was unsettled back then. Death and new life were all right around the corner. And younger and farther back, unsettled over my love life and understanding who I was and what I wanted out of life, loomed over me. May has been filled with change for me. Internal, external and swirling change. Not always change within my choice.
This May has been no exception as well as last May. There has been great change. Last May I made some sweeping changes in my personal life and this was before I had decided to go back to Church. Now, a year later, I look at this May and see the change that I've been involved in but it's been initiated by my wife and children. For me, there is also the internal struggle of finding a balance between what I need in life and what others need of me or need for themselves. Find that sweet spot can be challenging and tiring.
What I like to remind myself during these times is that life is a journey and I'm on it, day by day. Today I'm not feeling very close to God, dare I be honest and say that I feel hardly any connection at all. There have been days in which I shake my head and think what I fool I am to believe. And, no, I'm not going to say that I just hunker down, pray some more and then the rays of light come to heal me and all is good. Life isn't that simple for me. I make conscious choices in my life and I am an intelligent person who constantly questions. It is within my right and my belief that I know that I might never know if there is a God or not and that I might be wasting my time to pray to him. Yet, I have found that there are times in my life in which I can turn inward and listen to my inner voice and find a path that leads me onward.
What does it mean to be a good man? What does it mean to be a good father, son, husband, coworker or friend? For me, I believe in coming to terms with my feelings, talking with those I love and doing my best to do good in the world. If I die and that's all there is, then, yes, I might have been a fool to pray to God, but I like thinking about the optimism in the universe. I believe there is a greater purpose and that one day I will find out what that is. If I'm wrong, well, I deluded myself and no harm done.
In all the change and turmoil I feel in the month of May, I think it's all about growth and change. Doesn't matter if there is or isn't a God when it comes to this. It's up to me to look around, figure out where I want to go and do and then walk the walk. Choosing a path isn't always that easy. When I was young, deciding on what college to go to was a big thing. Then it was whether to study in France. As I've grown into different roles over the years, the challenges become more complicated. Deciding on what college to go to is a lot different than deciding how to best discipline your son when he is acting out. Or, how to find the patience with your two-year old daughter as she's trying to put her shoes on and won't let you help. My world has changed dramatically yet inside there is still that core of me who knows that writing will bring me calm as will listening to music going for a walk and looking up at the moon and the clouds passing by.
The life skills I've learned help ground me and enable me to get through the unsettling times so that I can shed the old and move on with the new. But no matter how much gray hair I have, there is still that essential question: What makes me happy?
In May (don't ask me why it's this month, I really don't know), I ask that more often than not and maybe it's the changing of the season that I sense the coming summer and warmth. My quest for joy, happiness and love is what it is. I live a lot inside my head and only those close to me or those who read what I write get a full sense of what makes me tick.
Tomorrow I am going to run my first half-marathon. The fact that I'm writing that is pretty startling to me as a year ago I would have laughed at you. It's not that I'm not fit, but I've never seen myself as athletic. I've always been the tall, lanky guy. But I've challenged myself in the last year and I'm working not only the muscles of my soul, heart, and mind, but of my body as well. The full package.
Today I've taken time off to work around the house and prepare for the run tomorrow. If I succeed, great, if not, well, I tried my best. Yet what I want to reflect on and acknowledge and share is the journey that I am on. I can be, at times, filled with doubt and confused and definitely tired. Yet I am trying to utilize the skills that will help me stay on my path through life.
Anyone who has kids knows how difficult it can be to hear your own voice. Half the time you hear only the kids' ("Daddy, I want my ball." "Daddy, can I have more milk.... Pleeeeeaaaaasssseee!") As May is almost over, I want to share that I've no idea where the journey is taking me. Will I be closer to God in weeks ahead or further away? I don't know. But what I do know is that I am working hard on trying to follow my bliss.
And, for right now, it's to be unsettled and to recognize that, embrace it and reflect on it. When I've done that enough, it'll be time to let that go and to move on.
Have a good one. Peace.

Social Networking and the Archidocese of Philadelphia
In the local Church Bulletin, I was a bit surprised to see announcements that Cardinal Rigali has a Facebook fan page and the Archdiocese has a Twitter account too. It's interesting as when you see non-profits and Churches beginning to use social media that our world is changing in ways we had not anticipated. I find all of this a bit funny because I like to reflect back and remember back in 1989 when I first joined the ONIX bulletin board system (BBS). Back when I was using my Amiga computer using a 2400 baud modem, I used to connect to this service that allowed for 12 people to be online at the same time and send e-mail to each other, post messages on bulletin board systems and chat.
I used to love the chat as I could talk to people and you could interact with people by typing in a verb to hug people, tickle them, etc. And, of course, what would any chat room be without the whisper command? Back in 1989, I used this system as a means of communicating with people in my area and making new friends. My high school friend Bob told me about ONIX, I joined and then he and I met a lot of people whom we became friends with. We used to meet up, go bowling, hang out at diners, go to movies, etc.
Now with Facebook and Twitter people could find out where I am (literally) if I allowed a GPS app to post that information to the world. Seeing the Church embrace social networking, shows the change that's filtering through society. We're not in a world in which I can see something and post it to my followers within seconds. This can have its positives and negatives.
Personally, I don't like people knowing my exact geographic location. I also don't post many aspects of my life--though people who follow my feeds probably think I share a good amount. See, I rather like it that way.
With the Church, I looked at their messaging and it's essentially news releases and announcements about what the Church has done (raised money, where the Cardinal has been, etc.). It's not in any way engaging. And I hope that will change.
For me, social networking is about sharing a thought, a movie, an idea, a joke, music or a bit of yourself with your network. Depending on the network, with Facebook I'll share more personal details as those following me are people I have met and know personally. With Twitter, I'll be less open.
In times to come, it'll be interesting to see what the Church will do--as companies and organizations. But I have to laugh to think that I've been using early versions of these tools since 1989. ONIX might be worlds away with what Twitter is, but the idea of communicating with others is the same. Fast-forward 20 years from now--it'll be very interesting to see how social media has changed. I suspect it'll shock us with how far things are pushed. We shall see.
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